Warning: I poke fun at everyone’s sexuality. There are inappropriate words here and some inappropriate stuff. If you are a pure person, this is not for you. Read at your own risk.

(I love CSI and I don’t own it. This isn’t really a fic. It’s just mockery of the season finale. I love most of the people here. I wrote this mockery out of love, not hate. Please don’t get offended, it’s not to offend anyone. It’s just humor.)

~ ~ ~

Vegas: *flashes around*

(Nicky is cruising around in his SUV, singing country music! Gotta love Texans!)

Nick: Yee-haw! It’s Christmas in Las Vegas even though it’s over 90 degrees and the summer. Most likely. And check me out, I’m pimping up and driving a Denali!

(He arrives at some abandoned place. Obviously, this isn’t good.)

Michaels: Well, here you are! Time to set up the bad guy’s plan!

Nick: Man, I am sexy in black! Make sure you get good close-ups of my crotch too. So what have we here?

Officer Michaels: This pile of entrails. Don’t ask why it’s lying here. So will you get rid of it?

Nick: Sorry, bubby. Not until the coroner comes and gives me the okay. And Super Dave won’t be here for a while. So hold your horses.

Michaels: I am going to advance the plot by throwing up closer to my car and spend most of the time staring at my own puke. The CSI is a big guy. I won’t even accept the gum he’s giving me. He can handle himself.

Evil person watching from distance: I get no lines! But I’m still evil and watching Nick. Doesn’t the ominous music suggest something?

Nicky: Yes, I can handle this. Though there was that stalker dude and I had a hard time with him…but I can handle myself. (Takes pictures of entrails, possible dildos, and finds the cup sealed in a bag) Oh look, I am going to put my camera down and examine this cup for some reason. Somehow, I do not hear footsteps behind me or see a shadow looming over me.

Evil person: Bwuahahahahaha! *grabs Nicky*

(Okay, almost half an hour passes. Catherine and Grissom show up as Brass is talking to Michaels)

Brass: Let me get this straight…you were puking for half an hour and you never noticed which way he went?!

Michaels: I’ve never seen entrails before!

Brass: Then don’t pay attention to them! Pay attention to Nick! He’s a sexy beast!

Grissom: Um, Jim?

Brass: Oh, hi. Nick is gone.

Catherine: Yeah, we know. Where was he last spotted?

Brass: Check out the entrails and all that stuff that he laid. Obviously, it’ll lead you somewhere. Sheesh, do I have to tell you everything? Do I have to wipe your asses too?

Catherine:…Okay, let’s check out the scene. I found Nick’s vest and it’s a white thread dosed in alcohol here. Entrails, dildo-like things, hey Grissom, why’d you bag a cup? And how did you bag one in two seconds?

Grissom: I didn’t bag anything. This is a message…and it means Nick is screwed.

Catherine: Damn, Quentin Tarantino took forever to bring the credits up!

(Credits)

(FLASHBACK!)

Another evil person: You will never see me again nor do I have any relevance with Nick’s disappearance but I need to be here or else you won’t know how this began.

Gagged twins: Mfffmmfff! (Translation: Us too!)

Grissom: *has fun shooting mannequins*

Sara: But how?! How is it only one DNA sample but two people?

Grissom: You’ve never heard of identical twins having same DNA, have you? And you’re a CSI?!

Sara: I partially got in to get closer to you. And because Holly Gribbs was a pussy and probably would never last longer than one epiosde. Oooh, what’s this?

Grissom: Allow me to give some fillers for this episode. It’s really not going to help anyone. It’s probably a bonding moment between us. Yet it doesn’t further our relationship.

Sara: Oh joy.

Archie: I need to talk to you, Ecklie, just to put up some more cabbage lines and pointless parts for the audience.

Ecklie: And I’m going to act somewhat human. I’m still a giant dick though. Don’t worry, audience. You can still hate me.

Greg: Pay attention! We’re having a pointless moment too, playing a game!

Hodges: I get to have it with everyone’s favorite person! Even though I miss your ugly shirts and those porno magazines you hid from Grissom. Oh well. Now nail me, Greg! Nail me hard!

Greg:…Dude, it’s just a board game.

Hodges: I beg to differ, pumpkin.

Warrick: Another pointless moment. I’m going to give you some Tarantino dialogue. Why he decided not to pair me with Catherine will obviously piss the YoBling fans off. This has no importance to the story whatsoever!

Nick: Check me out! I’m cool and nothing evil will happen to me!

Catherine: And I’m here to throw the plot your way. Warrick, Nick, pick a case. Any case. They both seem easy.

Warrick: Flip a coin? Cause obviously I can’t just tell you that I want to take the assault case, seeing that it’s less freaky sounding than abandoned entrails. Plus all this will cause me to angst later and we can't have this episode without angst now!

Nick: Okay, I’ll take the entrails case. And keep my coin. That’s bad luck.

Warrick: I’m going to regret you saying that, aren’t I?

(BACK TO NORMAL!)

Nick: What the hell? I’m in the back of a car and I don’t know what happened. I feel like a cabbage. Sam I Am, woohoo. Oh great, am I restrained because of the fan girls? Is this some chick’s bondage fantasy and I’m stuck in it? Watch as I take forever to get ready and kick the back door. Why I didn’t just do it on instinct is beyond me.

Evil person: Even though I’m frail and old, I still managed to pick up your bigger, heavier body and subdue you once again!

Nick: *snooze*

TBC…

(Yes, this episode is long and thus I need to watch it over and over again. It won’t take long to crackify this though!)

Go to Part II