CSI CRACK PARODIES

Grave Danger: Season 5, Episode 24-25

An Excuse to Show Several Shots of Nickís Crotch.

Warning: I poke fun at everyoneís sexuality. There are inappropriate words here and some inappropriate stuff. If you are a pure person, this is not for you. Read at your own risk.

(I love CSI and I donít own it. This isnít really a fic. Itís just mockery of the season finale. I love most of the people here. I wrote this mockery out of love, not hate. Please donít get offended, itís not to offend anyone. Itís just humor.)

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Vegas: *flashes around*

(Nicky is cruising around in his SUV, singing country music! Gotta love Texans!)

Nick: Yee-haw! Itís Christmas in Las Vegas even though itís over 90 degrees and the summer. Most likely. And check me out, Iím pimping up and driving a Denali!

(He arrives at some abandoned place. Obviously, this isnít good.)

Michaels: Well, here you are! Time to set up the bad guyís plan!

Nick: Man, I am sexy in black! Make sure you get good close-ups of my crotch too. So what have we here?

Officer Michaels: This pile of entrails. Donít ask why itís lying here. So will you get rid of it?

Nick: Sorry, bubby. Not until the coroner comes and gives me the okay. And Super Dave wonít be here for a while. So hold your horses.

Michaels: I am going to advance the plot by throwing up closer to my car and spend most of the time staring at my own puke. The CSI is a big guy. I wonít even accept the gum heís giving me. He can handle himself.

Evil person watching from distance: I get no lines! But Iím still evil and watching Nick. Doesnít the ominous music suggest something?

Nicky: Yes, I can handle this. Though there was that stalker dude and I had a hard time with himÖbut I can handle myself. (Takes pictures of entrails, possible dildos, and finds the cup sealed in a bag) Oh look, I am going to put my camera down and examine this cup for some reason. Somehow, I do not hear footsteps behind me or see a shadow looming over me.

Evil person: Bwuahahahahaha! *grabs Nicky*

(Okay, almost half an hour passes. Catherine and Grissom show up as Brass is talking to Michaels)

Brass: Let me get this straightÖyou were puking for half an hour and you never noticed which way he went?!

Michaels: Iíve never seen entrails before!

Brass: Then donít pay attention to them! Pay attention to Nick! Heís a sexy beast!

Grissom: Um, Jim?

Brass: Oh, hi. Nick is gone.

Catherine: Yeah, we know. Where was he last spotted?

Brass: Check out the entrails and all that stuff that he laid. Obviously, itíll lead you somewhere. Sheesh, do I have to tell you everything? Do I have to wipe your asses too?

Catherine:ÖOkay, letís check out the scene. I found Nickís vest and itís a white thread dosed in alcohol here. Entrails, dildo-like things, hey Grissom, whyíd you bag a cup? And how did you bag one in two seconds?

Grissom: I didnít bag anything. This is a messageÖand it means Nick is screwed.

Catherine: Damn, Quentin Tarantino took forever to bring the credits up!

(Credits)

(FLASHBACK!)

Another evil person: You will never see me again nor do I have any relevance with Nickís disappearance but I need to be here or else you wonít know how this began.

Gagged twins: Mfffmmfff! (Translation: Us too!)

Grissom: *has fun shooting mannequins*

Sara: But how?! How is it only one DNA sample but two people?

Grissom: Youíve never heard of identical twins having same DNA, have you? And youíre a CSI?!

Sara: I partially got in to get closer to you. And because Holly Gribbs was a pussy and probably would never last longer than one epiosde. Oooh, whatís this?

Grissom: Allow me to give some fillers for this episode. Itís really not going to help anyone. Itís probably a bonding moment between us. Yet it doesnít further our relationship.

Sara: Oh joy.

Archie: I need to talk to you, Ecklie, just to put up some more cabbage lines and pointless parts for the audience.

Ecklie: And Iím going to act somewhat human. Iím still a giant dick though. Donít worry, audience. You can still hate me.

Greg: Pay attention! Weíre having a pointless moment too, playing a game!

Hodges: I get to have it with everyoneís favorite person! Even though I miss your ugly shirts and those porno magazines you hid from Grissom. Oh well. Now nail me, Greg! Nail me hard!

Greg:ÖDude, itís just a board game.

Hodges: I beg to differ, pumpkin.

Warrick: Another pointless moment. Iím going to give you some Tarantino dialogue. Why he decided not to pair me with Catherine will obviously piss the YoBling fans off. This has no importance to the story whatsoever!

Nick: Check me out! Iím cool and nothing evil will happen to me!

Catherine: And Iím here to throw the plot your way. Warrick, Nick, pick a case. Any case. They both seem easy.

Warrick: Flip a coin? Cause obviously I canít just tell you that I want to take the assault case, seeing that itís less freaky sounding than abandoned entrails. Plus all this will cause me to angst later and we can't have this episode without angst now!

Nick: Okay, Iíll take the entrails case. And keep my coin. Thatís bad luck.

Warrick: Iím going to regret you saying that, arenít I?

(BACK TO NORMAL!)

Nick: What the hell? Iím in the back of a car and I donít know what happened. I feel like a cabbage. Sam I Am, woohoo. Oh great, am I restrained because of the fan girls? Is this some chickís bondage fantasy and Iím stuck in it? Watch as I take forever to get ready and kick the back door. Why I didnít just do it on instinct is beyond me.

Evil person: Even though Iím frail and old, I still managed to pick up your bigger, heavier body and subdue you once again!

Nick: *snooze*

 

TBCÖ

(Yes, this episode is long and thus I need to watch it over and over again. It wonít take long to crackify this though!)

Go to Part II

Email me: sweetandsourcyanide@excite.com