CSI Crack Parodies: Grave Danger

Part III

We left Doc Robbins to play with Polish sausages also known as dog entrails. Nick is still missing and presumably with another hooker. Or so we thought. Little do we know that he is in shit. Really, really, really deep shit.

~ ~ ~

Sara: Only a few seconds into this new case and I get the shitty job of dealing with an irrelevant paper cup. It has no trace or anything. Oh yeah, and the only thing in Nick’s camera were pictures of the crime scene, Hodges in his underwear, a naked Greg, and a collection of My Little Ponies.

Grissom: That’s not good enough evidence. This guy knows more about Nick than we do!

Greg: Allow me to bring in some of my coolness and remind you all that I’m looking through Nick’s old cases. I think the stalker from Season 2, Episode 15: Stalker may be back

Hodges: Okay, ignore all porno pictures and that one of a shirtless Greg. What do you need?

Warrick: Show me pictures of the big vehicles!

Hodges: …

Warrick: I’m talking about an actual car, Hodges!

Hodges: Oh, okay. Anyway, here’s a list of the ones with the big guns…oops, I accidentally typed Greg’s name in. Here’s the real page of cars.

Warrick: Print that out and don’t jerk off.

Hodges: …Too late.

Random chick: You won’t see me again in the episode but I’m here to add some filler parts.

Warrick: Take me back as far as you can.

Random chick: It’s too much work to take you back to 11 but I’ll take you back to 10:30. Check out all the cars. And is that Hodges making love to Greg in that one car?! Is he…is he…oh God, I feel unclean now!

Warrick: …I’m going to ignore that and pay attention the big Ford there. Even though there were plenty of big cars going by, my intuition tells me this one is the one that had Nick in it. Either that or I’m just damn good at guessing things.

~ ~ ~

(Nicky is getting buried. For fun, evil person decides to throw in a tape recorder, Nicky’s gun, and a bunch of light sticks. Then he closes the lid and begins to bury Nick! It’s not a fan girl fantasy anymore!)

Evil person: Even though I would have taken any CSI, how the hell I had a box that’s the right size for Nick’s body is something that will never be explained! I probably have a collection of glass coffins but we’re not going to investigate that! Ha ha ha!

~ ~ ~

Grissom: We’re having an important moment, realizing that Nick was not targeted. Why this didn’t come up earlier won’t be questioned.

Sara: This guy is old school.

Grissom: Perfect time to comment about people using what they know.

(Flashback: Nick is attacked by freako and chloroformed. It looks like our friend is trying to get a hard on from him but apparently, that’s not the case.)

Warrick: You guys are saying this just to provide me with some angst, aren’t you? Like I haven’t had enough.

Hodges: Plot device is falling! Plot device is falling!

Delivery dude: Yo, man, why you trying to jump me? Are you gay or something?

Hodges: …No?

Grissom: Hodges, what are you doing? Are you crushing on that delivery guy?

Hodges: No, he was going to get rid of the trace! That envelope has stuff on Nick!

Grissom: So you are crushing on Nick now?

Hodges: No!

Delivery dude: Yo, man, I ain’t your bitch! You gonna pay for that!

Catherine: Look, shut up and just give us the envelope regarding Nick.

Grissom: I will look over this myself, make sure it is not a bomb or a bag full of fire ants, before letting everyone see this. I am the main character after all! Anyone else doing this would be…well, wrong.

~ ~ ~

Nick: Ooh, my head. How much did I drink? Hey, how come I can’t get up? Why am I in a box? Did that fan girl who sent me a message saying she wants her own Nick in the box for ‘emergency purposes’ do this? Cause, little girl, you can let me out now! Please? What’s a tape recorder doing here?

Evil person on recorder: *has a Guatemalan accent. A bad one too* Hellooooo! CSI, you followed the evidenceeeee! And you will now perish here!

Nick: My god, I have some amazing pecs! Quick, make sure the camera gets a good shot of them! And don’t forget my crotch!

Evil person on recorder: *Sings* You’re going to die. You’re going to die. All alone in this coffin, you’re going to die! Yeah, you’re fucked! Enjoy! To keep you company is Air Supply's number 1 hit, "Making Love Out of Nothing At All".

Nick: This is not a fan girl fantasy anymore! And Air Supply?! *screams like a girl, meanwhile "Making Love Out of Nothing At All" begins to play*


Go to Part IV

Go back to Part II

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