(Our CSI gang listens to the tape. 50s music begins to play.)

Catherine: What the hell does this have to do with anything?

Grissom: That’s just it. It has nothing to do with anything! Haven’t you seen a Tarantino film before? Obviously, this computer thingie is more important. Let’s check it out.

Computer note: Bring me one million dollars! (Imitates Dr. Evil) Or the CSI dies in twelve hours! And to prove I’m not bluffing, take a look at what I did! I turned him into worm’s meat! Ask for him tomorrow and he’ll be a grave man! Get it, Grissom? I quote intellectual stuff like you too!

Grissom: You sick bastard! How dare you kill Shakespeare!

Sara: Um…aren’t we talking about Nick?

Grissom: Oh, right. What’s this do?

(Lights and fan come on in coffin, Air Supply…and their song…goes out. Nicky squirms)

Grissom: Even though we should be going insane now, we’ll just stand here stupefied and frozen in fear. My, I also have very intense blue eyes. I never noticed this about myself until now!

Warrick: *glaring and plotting revenge on Nicky’s captor*

Nick: *losing brain cells as he bangs against the coffin walls*

Grissom: Well, using some quick math, I figure that he has 600 liters of air. He’s got an hour and fifteen minutes left in there. Not good.

Feed: *goes out, Air Supply comes back on for Nicky*

Air Supply song: And I don’t know how you do it…making love out of nothing at all!

Warrick: We can’t let this feed go out! *cuts off Air Supply for Nick again. Loser*

~ ~ ~

(Scene with delivery guy and his cowboy lover…I mean, lawyer)

Cowboy: Yeehaw, I’m pretty useless here!

Brass: I’ll say. Now speak, boy! Tell me where I got this package from!

Delivery boy: I don’t know who gave it to me but I can give you an address. Yeah, my role will be done after this.

~ ~ ~

(At the house where the package was picked up)

Door: *rammed open by cops*

Brass: Police! Random Dead Body Inspection! *sees there’s a fat loser on the couch*

Fat loser: *snore*

Brass: Yeah, this place is a dud. There’s just some fat loser snoozing on the couch and the smell of piss in the hall. Apparently, this guy is having fun making us chase our tails around like some sick bitches.

(Back at lab)

Ecklie: A moment with me! But I’m still going to be compassionate and let you know that Las Vegas sucks and is cutting off a bunch for us. Yeah, we only have two choices: deal with this or move to another state. But yeah, that’s enough for my passionate moment.

(Catherine and Grissom speak with Nick’s mom and dad)

Catherine: Thank you for meeting us here, Nick’s parents. Would you like a cigarette?

Roger Stokes: I’m Nick’s father and I should be going out of my mind, knowing my son is buried alive somewhere. I’m surprisingly calm about this.

Jillian Stokes: Me too! See, we got a little bit of money. Things should be peachy now.

Grissom: Perhaps you don’t know what happened. Here, look at the video.

(Watching Nicky squirm and sing “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” for the twentieth time)

Jillian Stokes: This video disturbs me but I’m still not going insane or demanding people to work faster at finding my son.

Roger Stokes: Oh Poncho, I know you wanted to be a fan girl’s fantasy but did you think getting buried alive was the way to do it? Notice how I’m also unusually calm.

Catherine: Time for me to pull on my heroine act! Whee!

~ ~ ~

Sam Braun: We are having a pointless, unusually long moment here.

Catherine: Well, too bad. I’m interrupting cause I need a million dollars! I need it for a guy and no, he’s not a guy I’m sleeping with.

~ ~ ~

Ecklie: My third time being compassionate! This is a record!

Riley: Well, I’m going to be a killjoy and tell you to prepare Nick’s funeral. Because I’m a dick that way.

Ecklie: Someone else besides me being a dick? That’s unheard of!

Riley: Get used to it.

~ ~ ~

Catherine (dumps a bag made out of dead cattle on Grissom ): Here’s a million bucks, Grissom. Give me Nick!

Grissom: I’m not the one holding him hostage! And we can’t just give him money.

Catherine: Well, do you have a better idea, smart one?

Grissom: Uh…no. Okay, you win. But I’m taking the money. And it was anonymously given.

Catherine: But I just…I’m the hero here…

Grissom: Anonymously given. Now shut up and let me go.

~ ~ ~

(Grissom arrives at Humpa Rump, which obviously is an abandoned warehouse. He reads the note before barging in.)

Computer note: Bring the million to The Temple of the Ancients, also known as some abandoned warehouse called Humpa Rump.

Grissom: Dominos! I have your pineapple, Chilean peppers, artichoke, gummy worm, and human appendix pizza!

Walter Gordon (evil dude): Very funny, Mr. Grissom. Bring me the money!

Grissom: It’s here! (Holds up the bag) In a bag made out of twenty slaughtered cows. Because you’re a sicko, I figure this would be the thing to impress you.

Walter Gordon: Slide it on over. Give me the one million dollars (Dr. Evil imitation again) and your booby traps!

Grissom: Normally, there would be boobs in that bag but not today. I even managed to get rid of my latest magazine of Bugs and Boobs: Porn for the Entomologist. Now give me my Nick!

Walter Gordon: My, my, for one man, you are negotiating with a terrorist. I guess Hodges isn’t the only one in the closet!

Grissom: Look, my sex life is none of your business even though everyone knows that I’m madly in love with Sara, had something with Catherine, was slightly attracted to Sofia before she got mauled by a pack of wild raccoons, and that Lady Heather and I did it when I went to visit her. But yes, my sex life does not include making love to you!

Walter Gordon: Oh, I see. You’re terrified of the secret coming out more than you are of Nick’s life…or your own. (Reveals that he has hooked himself to a bunch of explosives). Oh, and Mr. Grissom? If you wish to hook up with Sara or make love to anyone else sometime in the future episodes, I suggest you start backing up.

Bomb: Boom!

Old guy: *explodes and turns to geezer goo*

Grissom: *is injured*

TBC…

~ ~ ~

Go to Part V

Go back to Part III