Grave Danger (CSI crack episodes)

PART V

Grissom gets the grisly job of watching geezer turn himself into human gelatin. He gets injured and there is still no sign of Nick.

~ ~ ~

Residential Vegas: *not flashy enough as nighttime Vegas but we still get to see it flash around*

Grissom: No, no, no. I give him money and he kills himself. What kind of idiot does that?! I mean, it’s money! What idiot decides to throw his life away instead of taking the dough?!

Paramedic: Yeah, I need to mention some medical stuff here. Pay no more attention to me!

Warrick: Greg, Nick is not here so you are going to be the source of my PMS and my bitch for the rest of this episode!

Greg: Oh joy. *wants someone to shoot him so he won’t have to live through Warrick’s hissy fits*

Catherine: Take the money, bag it as evidence, and don‘t pull off any funny business. *stuffs $200 in her bra*

David: Man, I fucking love my job. *gets to play with torso* There’s no ID on him.

Sara: Ooh but I found a thumb! Or a penis! Oh, god, I’m probably holding the old dude’s shriveled penis! *gags*

~ ~ ~

(Back at crime lab. Archie is switching between Showgirls and Nick’s feed. Warrick kicks him off and decides to spend the next hour ogling Nick’s crotch. As do the rest of us.)

Warrick: *is a loser and turns the feed on, cutting off Air Supply*

Nick: Dammit, I was getting used to this song!

Warrick: *keeps bringing back the feed and cutting off Air Supply. Dumbass still has no clue that it’s affecting Nick and that nothing is going to change by watching him*

Sara: *gets to play with penis thumb and finds no match*

Warrick: *boozes away and keeps clicking the feed on and off*

Nick: *spazzes and we think he’s having an orgasm. Turns out he’s just taking a piece of chewing gum and chewing on it.*

Warrick: WTF?! He stole my gum! That cheeky bastard! What are you doing?

Nick: *stuffs gum in ear (ewww!)*

Warrick: What are you doing, my poor lover…I mean, partner?!

Nick: *whips out gun*

Warrick: Dammit, Nicky, don’t think about it! What about our children?! I mean, your future children?!

Nick: *acts like he’s gonna shoot himself but shoots the lights instead. Air Supply comes back and Warrick nearly pisses himself*

Warrick: YOU SON OF A BITCH! WE HAVE NO MORE CHILDREN!

Nick: *cackles and breaks out the tube lights* VICTORY IS MINE! TAKE THAT, STEWIE, YOU BITCH!

Warrick: *realizes what the hell he was doing wrong…finally*

Nick: And I don’t know how you do it…making love out of nothing at all!

Warrick: *cackles as well* I was cutting off his air! How could I be so stupid?! *gets all sentimental* Hang in there, Nicky. I know you’ll live because hell we still have tons more CSI to spread across the world. Plus the fan girls aren’t ready to give you up. We’re not doing what Alias did. *coughgetridofvartancough*

Warrick: *decides to angst over his jeans and his locker*

~ ~ ~

(Archie and Grissom watch as Nicky sings his sanity away)

Archie: Well, we were idiots. The feed and air supply were both connected.

Grissom: Air Supply?! You mean they are torturing Nick by making him listen to awful 80s music?! How barbaric!

Archie: Uh…no. I mean, actual air supply. We kept cutting it off and he was dying but he got smart on us and shot the damn thing. Smartass.

Grissom: Well, he’s holding it together. *goes back to reading Bugs and Boobs*

~ ~ ~

Sara: *dwindles away, daydreams of humping Grissom and socking Sofia’s teeth out, is fucking glad she isn’t the one trapped in a glass box though she still has a ton of issues*

Mia: Oh my God, my first scene here! You’ll never see me again cause I run off to another CBS show. *the Medium rip-off* I got something off the penis thumb!

Sara:…uh-huh.

Mia: I mean, in terms of DNA. See, this guy wasn’t a felon but he gave birth to one.

Sara: Wait, men don’t give birth unless you’re talking about seahorses and Arnold Schwarznegger.

Mia: Okay, he didn’t give birth but I did find someone with seven alleles to him: a Kelly Gordon. She’s in the system and this is her father who turned himself into goon goop.

Sara: Woohoo, we’re getting somewhere!

~ ~ ~

Printout: *has a lot of information on it*

Creepy music: *plays*

Interrogation room: What the hell are you paying attention to me for? I’m just a room!

Flashback: *Kelly Gordon sips away at Styrofoam cup, creepy ass boyfriend leads her into house, murder supposedly takes place, she gets arrested because of the cup. It always comes back to the cup.*

Brass: Speak, girl, speak! Where is Nick?! We know your dad did this because he left his penis-like thumb behind!

Kelly Gordon: I’m not a sentimental bitch. Check out my cheapo tattoo. *shows tattoo which looks more like a flower you’d press on paper* I hope your friend dies. Or at least develops claustrophobia.

Sara: *tries hard not to kick her ass but calms her nerves with images of Grissom covered in strawberry syrup*

TBC…

~ ~ ~

(Yeah, I’m spoiling stuff for those of you who haven’t seen Alias yet. Sorry. I didn’t want to spend too much on that section. Anyway, I’m closer to the end of this episode. Whee!)

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