Pulling the Petals Apart

Disclaimer: Digimon is property of Toei. And I’m not a big Avril fan but I had to put those lyrics there and I do like that song alone.

* * *

“I’m looking for a place.

I’m searching for a face.

Is anybody here I know?

Cause nothing’s going right

And everything’s a mess

And no one likes to be alone

Isn’t anyone trying to find me?

Won’t somebody come take me home?”

-Avril Lavigne “I’m With You”

It was kind of quiet that night in Digiworld. I was staring at a sky filled with stars and a full moon hanging above the trees. A few critters would make noises but it was quiet. Well, except Tai snoring a few feet from me, sounding like a vacuum cleaner running across grass. I must have been the only one in our group still awake. I'd glance at my watch every fifteen minutes. Eleven would be eleven fifteen, which would then be eleven thirty and so forth. No matter how many different positions I shifted to, I wasn't comfortable. I checked my watch for the hundredth time. One thirty in the morning. But then again, it was Digiworld and nothing really works here. Giving up on figuring out what time it was, decided to take over standing guard. No way was I getting sleep anytime soon. I pulled myself up and stood up. Brushing off the little bit of dirt on my pants (that sort of started my allergic reactions again), I glanced over to the lake where the shadow of a person was.

"Joe?" someone asked. I looked down and saw Gomamon sleepily looking at me. My sneezing must have woken him up.

"Hey, Gomamon. Go back to sleep." I ran my hand under my nose. Oh good, no snot.

"Joe, why are you up?"

"It's my turn to stand watch. You stay here. I'll be fine."

"I don't want to stay here." Gomamon yawned and closed his eyes. "I don't want to stay."

But he was soon fast asleep again. Smiling, I picked him up and placed his head on top of my bag. Then I walked over to the shadow. I stepped over Matt and TK's sleeping bodies (I think I accidentally ended up stepping on poor Matt's hand cause he frowned in his sleep and I felt something soft under my foot). I took a quick glance at Sora, Mimi, and Tai. Not a peep from them. The Digimon were also snoozing together in one group. I let out of a sigh of relief and went to see the shadow. Upon closer inspection, I saw that it was Izzy (His orange shirt was a big giveaway.) He was working on his laptop, no big surprise. I touched his shoulder, which probably scared him.

"Hi, Izzy. I'll take over from here."

"Joe, you scared me!" He turned to me. The fearful look in his obsidian eyes told me I had really scared him. Talk about stating the obvious. Not a smart move on my behalf.

"Sorry. You okay?"

"Uh-huh." He began breathing again and turned away from me.

"Where's Tentomon?"

"He went back to the others. How about Gomamon?"

"Same thing. Well, you can go. I relieve you of night watch duty." I said cheerfully. Of course, I didn’t have anything to be cheerful about but I didn’t want to appear as some depressed guy in front of this kid. Worried old Joe has to be happy too.

"That's great. I'll see you in the morning." He murmured, not bothering to look at me. I was miffed that he wouldn’t face me but it could be cause he was lost in laptop land. I brushed that aside. Typical Izzy.

I waited for Izzy to get up and leave. He didn't do it.

"You can leave now." I reminded him.

That’s when I noticed his face. He had a look that confused me. His eyes still held all his intelligence and the fear was gone but something else was burned out. His lips slightly quivered. I watched as he closed his laptop and pushed it aside, his gloved hands getting all shaky. I was suddenly worried. What was wrong?

"You want to stay here longer?” I asked. “That's okay. I'll come back later."

"No, don't go! Sorry, Joe. It's just..." Izzy paused, pulled off one of his yellow gloves, and put his hand in the lake.

"What?" The urgency of his voice pulled me back to him. I knew at that moment something was wrong.

"I can't tell you." He began playing with the water, making little circles in it. I watched as our reflections were distorted and changed. My curiosity got the best of me at that point. I had to know more.

"Come on. Are you in some kind of trouble?" I asked. “Did someone hurt you?”

"Not really. I'm just confused." He replied as if he was programmed to say that.

I pressed on. "Over what?"

"Life."

"Huh?" It wasn’t the subject matter that stumped me. A lot of people pondered about life after all. And Izzy, being the brain in our group, should be no exception. He was no great philosopher but he came close. Still, life was a vague subject. That’s why I was confused.

He quickly cleared my confusion up for me. "I don't know...I don't know what to do from here..."

Oh, he was confused about what he’d do later on in life. It made sense. Who wouldn’t be confused about the future?

"Is it your future you're worrying about? Don't. Though I say I want to be a doctor, I have second thoughts still. That's only my dad's decision, not mine. You're still young so don't fret over that." I said, adding that fake cheerfulness that I had used earlier. I am so bad at cheering up people.

"It's not my future, Joe." Izzy sighed. “I’m only ten and while I do think of the future once in a while, it’s the furthest thing from my mind.”

"Then what is it? You can tell me."

"Well...okay. I have tell someone or I'll burst. Joe, does your family care about you?"

"My family?" That question struck a sensitive nerve in me. Did my family care? They never paid too much attention to what I did. My older brother Jim was the favorite. He was fulfilling Dad's dream and his own, not me. My parents never talked to me very much. But that didn't mean they didn't care...did it? Now I was confused again.

"Well, do they?" Izzy was patiently waiting for my answer.

I smiled, sucked my gut in, and lied. "Yeah, they do. I know they do."

I don't know if Izzy bought that and I guess I never will.

"The reason I asked you that, Joe, is because I'm curious about my own parents. Have your parents hidden any secrets from you?" Izzy pulled his hand out of the water and slipped the glove back on.

"Um..." Again, I was dumbfounded. I don't remember them having any secret conversations behind my back. Then again, I've been away from home for a long time. Who knows what they talked about? Maybe Jim was in on their secret conversations as well. "I can't say they have nor can I say they haven't. I'm not sure if I can answer that question, Izzy."

"Oh." Izzy looked disappointed and I felt terrible. The look on his became so gloomy that I almost burst out crying. I brushed away the tear that was about to fall and regained my composure. No one wants to see a boy cry.

"Is there something wrong at home, Izzy?" I whispered. I thought of all the possibilities of what could go wrong at home and none of them were good. I could only hope one of these things wasn’t what Izzy was referring to.

"I'm not sure if I'd call it a bad situation or not. It's just a huge pile of confusing mixed in with hurt and a tiny bit of anger. I don't think you've ever met my parents before, have you?"

I shook my head. "No. I bet they're nice people though."

Izzy nodded in agreement. "They are. They have been there for me for ten years and I adore them dearly. I seriously don't know what I could have done without them. I would literally be alone in this world. But...something happened recently."

I gulped, fearing what he would say next. "What?"

"I was walking down the hall one night. It was my typical routine of going to the bathroom. Anyway, I was going back to my room when I heard them talking privately. This wasn't the first time they had these secret conversations but it seemed different from previous ones. I wasn't eavesdropping or at least...I wasn't trying to." He blushed. “I just ended up being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

He paused to take a breath. I think a half of him didn’t want to continue and the other half still wanted to poor his heart out.

"Go on." I had a feeling this was going to get interesting. Izzy rarely shared anything with anyone. I was getting first dibs on his secrets. Cruel as that may sound, I was glad to know this secret about him. And I wouldn’t share it with anyone, not until he said it was okay.

"I peeked from behind the door and I heard their conversation. That was when the life I once knew came crashing down. My parents..." Izzy took a deep breath. I waited for him to continue but I could tell he was having trouble. His voice cracking a bit, he spoke. "My parents adopted me."

"Adopted you?" I raised my eyebrows. Now that was something that I did not hear everyday. And it was not one of the horrible thoughts I had been thinking of earlier. That was a relief but…adopted?

"That's it. My parents aren't my real parents. They are not who they claimed to be for ten years. They still haven't told me...maybe 'cause they think I already know and that I've gotten over it."

“And have you?”

Izzy sighed. “Not really.”

"Whoa!" It was my turn to take a breath. Izzy was adopted? Perfect, intelligent, polite, and nice Izzy had a problem after all? I couldn't believe it. No wonder he seemed so shy and withdrawn. Maybe he wanted to get away from the sounds and problems of the real world. Yes, that had to be the reason he daydreamed a whole lot and spent more time with his computer than with people. Not that I blamed him. When one finds out his parents adopted him, who’d want to spend time with people? I knew I wouldn’t.

We sat in silence for a good five minutes before I decided to say something.

"Hey, Izzy?" I spoke after pondering about the secret that he told me.

"I know. You probably think this is a silly thing to be pondering about. But not many people would understand cause not everybody's adopted. It's okay, Joe. I'll get over it just like everyone says I should." Izzy promised. I refused to buy it.

"On the contrary, Izzy, I do understand. I once read an article about adopted children and the many myths about adoption. You should be lucky you have someone. There are so many kids who are alone in the world. And there are many more who live with abusive parents. You should be grateful." And I meant what I said. Izzy was indeed lucky to have someone to take care of him.

"And I am. I'm not angry cause I'm adopted. I just wonder why this didn't come out sooner."

"Maybe they wanted to wait 'til you were older. I mean, no matter how smart you are, you're still ten." I told him. “Remember, you’re not even thinking of the future as much as I am.”

"True." Izzy mused and looked into the lake. I followed him. A reflection of the moon, stars, and pitch- black sky could be found in it. The ripples sometimes shifted the picture to make something completely new. All in all, it was a serene sight. "Joe, do you think I'll ever find my real mom and dad?"

"You do have a real mom and dad, Izzy. Whether they adopted you or not, they still care about you." A wave of depression hit me then. The irony of my own words struck me as well. Here I'm telling Izzy that his parents care about him when in reality I don't know whether mine care about me. And my parents were real! I sighed loudly and stared into the lake. I saw my reflection: blue hair, glasses, sickly pale (thanks to the fact I always burn in the sun therefore I can’t get a tan), skinny, tall, boring, and dull. Yup, that was me. No wonder poor Izzy is so confused about life. The very same confusion was slipping over me like a veil. I dipped a finger into the lake where the reflection of the brightest star was and twirled it around, making a tiny whirlpool. In other words, I was doing what Izzy had been doing right before he told me his problem.

"Joe, I know something's bothering you too." Izzy said. "I've been thinking about what you said. You're right. I shouldn't worry a whole lot. I mean, if Mom and Dad want to tell me, that's fine. But even if they never do, it would make no difference. You're right, they do care and I should get my mind off it. Or at least, I'll try to do that." He blushed again but I knew he was being honest.

"That's good", I murmured. I went about making my whirlpool. A few fish were swimming around but I didn't care. I closed my eyes and tried to think about home. So much pressure and problems were there, especially about my future. I helped Izzy with his problem but would anyone help me with mine?

"Hey, Joe? You all right?"

"Not really." One more circle created in that pool and my reflection was destroyed.

"Well, do you want to tell me?"

I didn't answer him. What would I say? My head was filled with the craziest thoughts in the world. I stopped playing with the water and plucked a flower that was growing nearby.

"They care about me...they care about me not..." I picked the petals, saying that out loud. "They care about me..."

Izzy smiled at me, looking slightly amused. I doubt he knew what I was talking about. "I think I'll leave you alone now. See you in the morning.

"

"Okay. They care about me not...they care about me..."

"Oh, Joe?" Izzy turned around, stopping me from counting the petals. "Thanks."

I smiled at him, hiding that hurt I was feeling now. "You're welcome. If there's anything else you need, you can talk me always."

"The same goes for you. Good night." With that, Izzy headed back to where everyone else was.

"'Night." I continued picking but then stopped counting. I picked up another flower instead and started something different. One by one, I let these petals fall into the water. "My friends care about me...they care about me not...they care about me...they care about me not..."

I kept doing that until I picked the last petal and dropped it. "They care about me."

Did flower petals really tell the truth? Right now, I was too numb to care. My soul had stopped hurting at that moment and threw the remaining stem into the lake. Like Izzy, I was empty. Yet, for some reason or another, I felt complete.

~OWARI~

Please note: This fanfic took place before they met Hikari.

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